Soft Life is Not Luxury-It’s Safety

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Hi, and welcome back to Culture Lit, the podcast where black women's love

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stories, wellness, and intentional living.

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Take center stage.

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I'm your host, Octavia Marie, and today

we're talking about the soft life and

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no, not in the Instagram aesthetic way,

not the champagne and designer bags.

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Way though, if that's your

thing, live your life.

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I'm talking about the soft life as

safety, as freedom, as the radical

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act of removing yourself from

spaces that drain you and creating

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ones where you can finely breathe.

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Because for black women, softness has

always been political, and in a world that

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demands, we be everything for everyone.

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Choosing ease is revolutionary.

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When we hear soft life,

what comes to mind?

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Maybe it's those gorgeous

tiktoks of women in linen dresses

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walking through lavender fields.

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Maybe it's the girls on Instagram

sipping wine and Santorini,

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and sure, that's part of it.

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But if we stop there, we've

missed the entire point.

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The soft life isn't about what

you buy, it's about how you live.

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It's waking up without

dreading your chest.

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It's saying no without guilt.

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It's building a life where your nervous

system isn't constantly on high alert.

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For black women especially, the soft

life is about undoing generations of

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conditioning that told us we had to be

strong, that we had to endure that rest

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was weakness and boundaries were selfish.

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We've been taught to perform resilience,

to wear exhaustion, like a badge of

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honor to keep going even when our

bodies are screaming for us to stop.

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But what if soft isn't weak?

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What if soft is the bravest

thing we could ever choose?

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Here's what nobody talks about.

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For many black women,

softness feels unsafe.

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We've learned that letting our

guard down means getting hurt.

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That being vulnerable means

being taken advantage of that

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needing help means being a burden.

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So we armor up, we grind, we push

through, and we call it strength.

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But there's a difference between

strength and survival mode, and so

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many of us are living in survival

mode without even realizing it.

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The soft life is about creating enough

safety, emotionally, financially,

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relationally, that you can finally

exhale, that you can be gentle

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with yourself without feeling like

you're putting yourself in danger.

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Soft is leaving the job that's

killing you, even if you don't

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have the next one lined up.

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Ending relationships that require you

to shrink, saying, I need help out

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loud, resting without earning it first.

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Protecting your peace even

when people call you cold.

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Choosing yourself repeatedly without

apology soft is knowing what you

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won't tolerate anymore and having

the courage to walk away from it.

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Soft is building a life where you don't

have to constantly brace for impact.

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Let's talk about why

this is so hard for us.

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Black women have been carrying the

weight of the world since before we

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were given permission to set it down.

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Slavery taught us that

our pain didn't matter.

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Jim Crow taught us that our comfort

was secondary and modern America,

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it just repackaged the same

expectations with a corporate smile.

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We're supposed to be the backbone of our

families, our communities, our workplaces.

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We're supposed to show up, speak

up, hold it down, and do it

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all without breaking a sweat.

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The strong black woman isn't a compliment.

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It's a cage and the soft life.

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The soft life is the key.

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I have to bring her up again

because the vitriol she receives

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is the perfect case study.

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When Duchess Meghan chose to step

back from royal duties when she

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chose to prioritize her mental health

and her family's wellbeing over

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tradition and public opinion, the

backlash was immediate and vicious.

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People called her selfish,

ungrateful, difficult, but what

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she really did was choose safety.

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She chose soft and society

couldn't handle it.

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Because when a black woman publicly

chooses herself, when she says,

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this environment is harmful and

I'm leaving, it disrupts the entire

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system that relies on our silence and

endurance her Netflix show with love.

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Megan got dragged for being

out of touch and narcissistic,

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but strip away the noise.

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And what is it?

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Really?

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A black woman in a

beautiful home making food.

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She loves surrounded by

people who care about her.

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Living at her own pace.

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That's the soft life

and it terrifies people.

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Even among ourselves, there's resistance.

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We judge each other for giving up.

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When someone leaves a toxic

situation, we side eye the girl

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who stops overextending herself.

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We call it privilege when

really it's boundary setting.

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Part of this is internalized oppression.

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We've been conditioned to

see softness as weakness.

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So when we see another black woman

choose ease, we feel threatened.

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If she can rest, why can't I?

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And if I can't, maybe

she shouldn't either.

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But here's the shift.

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Her softness doesn't diminish yours.

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Her freedom doesn't mean

you have to stay stuck.

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We rise together or not at all.

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So how do we actually do this?

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How do we build soft lies in a world

that profits from our exhaustion?

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Step one, audit your life.

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Seriously.

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Sit down with a journal and ask yourself.

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What relationships drain me?

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What environments make me feel unsafe?

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What commitments am I keeping outta guilt?

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Where am I performing instead of living?

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Get honest, get specific,

and then get ruthless.

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Step two, define your non-negotiables.

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What does safety feel like for you?

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What does ease require?

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Maybe it's a morning routine

that doesn't feel rushed.

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Work that doesn't follow you.

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Home.

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Friendships where you don't

have to explain yourself.

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A partner who sees your

softness as strength, time

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alone that isn't called selfish.

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Write it down, make it real.

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Step three, practice micro softness.

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You don't have to quit your job and move

to Bali tomorrow, though, if you can.

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Godspeed.

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Start small.

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Say no to one thing this week

that you'd normally say yes to.

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Take a full lunch break without guilt.

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Turn off your phone for an hour.

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Let someone help you without

immediately reciprocating.

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Go to bed when you're tired,

not when you've earned rest.

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Softness is a practice.

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You build the muscle slowly.

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Step four, protect what you're building.

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Once you start choosing

softness, people will notice,

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and some of them won't like it.

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They'll call you bougie,

selfish, uppity changed.

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Let them, your piece is

not up for negotiation.

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Your safety is not a group project.

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You don't owe anyone an

explanation for why you're no

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longer available to be drained.

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This shows up in the books we love

because romance novels, they've been

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teaching us about the soft life all along.

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And today I wanna talk about a book that

captures everything we've been discussing.

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Where the Wild Flowers grow by Tara

Shelton Harris, y'all, this book, if

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you've ever Felt like You were just

surviving instead of living, if you've

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ever wondered what it would feel like

to finally be safe enough to rest,

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if you've ever needed permission to

believe you're not too broken for

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something good, this book is for you.

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Lee is the lone survivor of a

prison transport bus crash, and

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instead of turning herself in.

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She runs, she spent her entire

life in survival mode and running

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is what she knows how to do.

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But then she stumbles upon a

flower farm in rural Alabama,

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tucked away from the world.

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Quiet, slow, safe.

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And this is where the story

becomes a masterclass in what

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the soft life actually is.

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Because the flower farm isn't luxury.

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There's no champagne brunch

or design or anything.

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What it offers.

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Lee, is something she's never had before.

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Sanctuary, a place where she doesn't have

to perform, where she can move at the

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pace of growing things, where the work is

hard, but the environment is gentle where

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she can finally, finally stop running.

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Lee was raised to be strong, to

endure, to suppress her emotions

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and keep going no matter what.

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As she says in the book, living is

a run-on sentence, never ending.

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A collection of experiences that

strengthen you along the way.

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But on the farm, surrounded by Jackson Tib

and Luke men, who are also healing from

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their own traumas, Lee learns what living

actually means, not just surviving living.

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She learns to be vulnerable, to

experience, connection, to feel safe,

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enough to dream, to trust, to rest.

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For the first time in her life, she's

not just getting through, she's healing.

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Here's what I love about this book.

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It doesn't romanticize healing.

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It shows the actual work.

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Lee discovers yoga and meditation on

the farm, not as Instagram trends,

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but as pathways back to herself.

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Tara Shelton Harris writes that

Lee spent so long in survival mode

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that she forgot what it meant to

truly care for her mind and body.

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Through meditation, Lee uncovers

something deep about herself that she'd

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never considered that realization.

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Cracks open the door to

her healing and yoga.

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Yoga is her way back into her body.

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A reminder that her body

matters, that she matters.

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This is what the soft life

looks like in practice.

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It's not bubble baths

and face masks, though.

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Those are lovely.

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It's the deliberate, sometimes difficult

work of reconnecting with yourself,

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of learning to be present in your own

skin, of treating yourself with the

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care you've been denying yourself.

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It's choosing practices that calm

your nervous system instead of

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continuing to live on high alert.

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It's understanding that rest

isn't laziness, it's restoration.

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Lee survived by hiding

her pain and believing.

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No one would understand.

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Loneliness had become her

armor and her companion.

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But living with Jackson Tib and

Luke, hearing their stories and

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witnessing how they were healing

helped her feel less alone.

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This is community care.

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This is what happens when we

create soft spaces for each other.

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She wasn't fixed by these men.

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She wasn't rescued or saved.

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She was seen.

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She was held.

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She was given space to fall apart

and put herself back together.

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Slowly, she began stitching

herself back together.

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Not into the person she was

before, but someone softer,

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stronger, and no longer alone.

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That's the soft life, not isolation,

disguised as independence, but connection

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that feels safe enough to be real in.

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And then there's Jackson, the

farm's owner, who sees through

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Lee's defenses, who offers her

small moments of tenderness.

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Who encourages her to face her own

tragedies without forcing her timeline.

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This is a slow burn romance

because it has to be.

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Lee can't rush into love when

she's still learning how to trust,

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when she's still figuring out who

she is outside of survival mode.

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Jackson doesn't demand her softness.

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He creates the conditions where

softness becomes possible.

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He doesn't try to fix her.

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He shows up consistently, patiently,

and lets her heal at her own pace.

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This is what partnership in

the soft life looks like.

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Someone who understands that

your healing isn't linear.

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Someone who doesn't penalize you

for having bad days, someone who

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sees your trauma and doesn't run.

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Jackson sees Lee really sees

her and believes she's not

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too broken for something good.

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And isn't that what we all need?

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Someone who holds space for all

of us who doesn't require us to be

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healed before we are worthy of love?

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Here's what we're the

wildflowers grow shows us.

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You can start over no matter how far

you've run, no matter how broken you feel.

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No matter how long you've been in

survival mode, you can find sanctuary.

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You can build a life that

feels safe, you can heal.

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The soft life isn't about

having it all figured out.

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It's about creating

space to figure it out.

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It's about surrounding yourself with

people who are also doing the work.

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It's about choosing practices

that bring you back to yourself.

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Lee arrives at that farm with nothing but

the clothes on her back and a lifetime

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of trauma, but with new life blooming

around her, she discovers she's not too

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broken to find peace and neither are you.

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The book explores intense themes,

abuse, guilt, the long road to recovery.

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It doesn't sugarcoat the pain, but

it also shows that on the other side

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of that pain there's possibility.

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There's a flower farm where the work

is hard, but the pace is gentle.

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There's a community that holds

you while you fall apart.

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There's a man who sees you and stays.

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There's a version of

yourself you haven't met yet.

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Softer, stronger, no longer alone.

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That's the soft life, not luxury.

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Safety, not perfection.

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Peace, and it's available to you

right now, exactly where you are.

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Here's what I want you to understand.

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The soft life isn't just

personal, it's communal.

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When you choose ease, you give other

black women permission to do the same.

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When you set a boundary, you

show someone else it's possible.

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When you rest without guilt, you

challenge the entire system that

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profits from your exhaustion.

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This is why representation

matters so much.

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Why seeing Duchess Meghan

choose herself matters?

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Why reading about fictional

heroines like Lee, who refuse to

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stay in survival mode matters.

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We need blueprints.

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We need to see softness model.

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We need proof that it's possible

the soft life works best when

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we're not doing it alone.

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Find your people, the ones who celebrate

your boundaries instead of testing them.

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The ones who encourage your rest

instead of guilting you for it.

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The ones who understand that choosing

yourself isn't betraying the collective.

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It's saving yourself so

you can show up more fully.

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That's what Lee found on the farm, A

chosen family built from people who

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understood what it meant to survive,

who were willing to create something

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soft from the wreckage of their lives.

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That's real sisterhood,

that's real community.

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I also want to acknowledge money helps.

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Let's be real about that.

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Financial stability makes

softness more accessible.

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It gives you options.

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It creates a buffer between you

and the things that harm you.

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But here's what I've learned.

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Softness is also a mindset.

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It's a value system.

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It's a commitment to treating

yourself with the gentleness

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you've been denying yourself.

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Some of the softest people

I know don't have wealth.

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They just decided their peace

was worth protecting and they

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made choices accordingly.

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Lee didn't have money

when she found that farm.

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She had nothing, but she

found softness anyway.

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She found safety.

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She found space to heal.

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So yes, pursue financial freedom, build

wealth, create stability, and also know

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that softness starts with how you talk to

yourself, how you spend your free time.

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What you allow into your space,

you can start being soft right

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now exactly where you are.

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The soft life is not about

opt-out culture, or I'm

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tired of fighting nihilism.

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It's about sustainability.

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It's about longevity.

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It's about staying here

mentally, physically,

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emotionally, for the long haul.

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You can't pour from an empty cup.

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You can't fight for justice when

your nervous system is fried.

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You can't love anyone.

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Well, when you're running on

fumes, the soft life says I matter.

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My comfort matters, my peace matters.

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And when enough of us believe that

when enough black women refuse

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to be martyrs and workhorses and

backbones, everything changes.

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As I've built this podcast, as I've

transitioned into this next chapter

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of my life at 55, softness has

been my guiding principle, saying

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no to things that don't align.

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Protecting my energy, choosing ease over

hustle, building a business that feels

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good, not just one that looks good.

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And I'll be honest, it's scary sometimes

because we've been taught that our

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value is in our productivity, our

service, our strength, but I'm learning

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that my value is in my existence.

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That I don't have to earn rest.

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That softness isn't weakness, it's

wisdom, and I want that for you too.

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I want you to find your flower farm.

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Maybe it's not a literal

place in rural Alabama.

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Maybe it's a morning meditation practice.

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Maybe it's a group of

friends who let you be real.

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Maybe it's finally leaving

the relationship that requires

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you to be hard all the time.

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Whatever it is, I want you to

know you're not too broken for it.

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You're not too far gone.

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You're not beyond redemption.

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You deserve to bloom, you deserve to heal.

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You deserve the soft life.

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So here's my invitation.

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Choose one thing this week.

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One small act of softness, one

boundary, one moment of ease.

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And then notice how it feels.

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Notice who pushes back.

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: 00:18:59

Notice the relief in your body

because softness is available to you.

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: 00:19:03

Safety is your birthright.

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: 00:19:06

And the soft life.

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: 00:19:07

It's not luxury.

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: 00:19:08

It's survival.

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: 00:19:10

It's resistance, it's love.

333

: 00:19:13

Thank you for being part of this culture

Lit community, for showing up, for

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: 00:19:17

doing the work of choosing yourself.

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: 00:19:19

If you loved where the wildflowers grow

as much as I did, or if this episode

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: 00:19:25

inspired you to pick it up, let me know.

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: 00:19:28

Come find me on Instagram or

threads at becoming Octavia.

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: 00:19:33

I had love to hear what softness

looks like in your life, and if

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: 00:19:37

this episode resonated, share it

with someone who needs to hear it.

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: 00:19:40

Leave a review.

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: 00:19:42

Join our newsletter if

you haven't already.

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: 00:19:45

Until next time, be soft.

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: 00:19:47

Be safe, be free.